1
00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,563
This programme contains
strong language.

2
00:00:04,603 --> 00:00:05,723
BABY CRIES

3
00:00:05,763 --> 00:00:08,283
Thank you. Brother Lewis.

4
00:00:08,323 --> 00:00:10,003
Could I speak to the
elders before you?

5
00:00:10,043 --> 00:00:12,603
My baby's not well and I
really need their advice.

6
00:00:12,643 --> 00:00:13,643
That does sound urgent.

7
00:00:13,683 --> 00:00:15,963
You should see them as soon
as you've waited your turn.

8
00:00:16,003 --> 00:00:17,003
DOOR OPENS

9
00:00:17,043 --> 00:00:18,323
Next!

10
00:00:20,923 --> 00:00:22,043
Why wasn't I promoted?

11
00:00:22,083 --> 00:00:26,323
A reminder, this drop-in is for
urgent matters of faith, David.

12
00:00:26,363 --> 00:00:29,163
Yes. And we don't consider
being made elder a promotion.

13
00:00:29,203 --> 00:00:31,523
Yes. Do you still want
to ask your question?

14
00:00:31,563 --> 00:00:35,163
I do. Elder Abijah,
you can cover this.

15
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,323
I've actually got
to... You'll cover it.

16
00:00:37,363 --> 00:00:39,003
HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

17
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:42,803
So, David, you should know
the vote wasn't unanimous.

18
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:48,083
Sure, 11 elders voted for
Andrew, but one voted for...

19
00:00:48,123 --> 00:00:50,443
Oh, no, no.

20
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:53,003
Elder Danforth's vote
was void. He's 91.

21
00:00:53,043 --> 00:00:57,283
He ticked both boxes and then posted
the slip through his own letterbox.

22
00:00:57,323 --> 00:00:58,843
But we did have
lots of applicants.

23
00:00:58,883 --> 00:01:02,003
Who applied apart
from me and Andrew?

24
00:01:02,043 --> 00:01:04,363
The point is that God loves you,

25
00:01:04,403 --> 00:01:07,603
and I'd encourage you
to focus on that, eh?

26
00:01:07,643 --> 00:01:08,923
What do you say?

27
00:01:08,963 --> 00:01:11,443
The big G invites you
to bask in his love.

28
00:01:11,483 --> 00:01:14,683
Are you going to RSVP with
a big, fat hallelujah?

29
00:01:14,723 --> 00:01:16,603
No. Was it Andrew's cologne?

30
00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:18,523
The man smells like
an embalmed king.

31
00:01:18,563 --> 00:01:20,443
He does smell nice. Um...

32
00:01:20,483 --> 00:01:23,363
All I'd say is that we'd
encourage you to look within.

33
00:01:23,403 --> 00:01:26,323
As Jesus says, first, take
the log out of your own eye,

34
00:01:26,363 --> 00:01:27,763
but don't worry too much.

35
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The order's about
having fun, too.

36
00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:33,643
Is that caffeine-free cola?

37
00:01:33,683 --> 00:01:37,243
No, David, this is the
forbidden full caf.

38
00:01:37,283 --> 00:01:39,523
Last week I shared some of
this with a non-believer,

39
00:01:39,563 --> 00:01:42,803
just to show that us order peeps
also know how to have a good time.

40
00:01:42,843 --> 00:01:45,083
I don't think the other elders
are going to begrudge me

41
00:01:45,123 --> 00:01:47,923
a tiny little caffeine boost.

42
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Put that cola down.

43
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I'll deposit it in
the outside bin.

44
00:01:56,723 --> 00:01:59,283
I wish I could trust
you to do that.

45
00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:03,243
Elder Samson's such a joker.

46
00:02:03,283 --> 00:02:05,203
He told me if I'd joined
his old congregation,

47
00:02:05,243 --> 00:02:08,083
I'd never have been made elder.
He makes that joke a lot.

48
00:02:08,123 --> 00:02:09,283
See you, David.

49
00:02:11,483 --> 00:02:13,323
BABY GRIZZLES

50
00:02:13,363 --> 00:02:15,043
Your turn.

51
00:02:32,923 --> 00:02:34,683
CAR HORN HONKS

52
00:02:36,403 --> 00:02:38,203
Fiona!

53
00:02:38,243 --> 00:02:40,723
That's a lot of shopping.
Didn't feel like driving?

54
00:02:40,763 --> 00:02:43,403
No, the car gets me home faster,
which means more time to kill,

55
00:02:43,443 --> 00:02:45,683
which means to do things
like overgroom the cat

56
00:02:45,723 --> 00:02:47,923
or run a wash cycle just
to watch the drum go round.

57
00:02:47,963 --> 00:02:50,203
Well, I'd ask you more,
but I don't want to be sad.

58
00:02:50,243 --> 00:02:52,043
Would you like 150 utility bags?

59
00:02:53,683 --> 00:02:55,283
Need more context? Yes, please.

60
00:02:55,323 --> 00:02:57,363
I've just upsized my
designer furniture shop

61
00:02:57,403 --> 00:03:00,203
and the new premises is
rammed with unsold stock.

62
00:03:00,243 --> 00:03:01,523
So business is good?

63
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Divorce is good.

64
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I got 80% of the house and a
shocking chunk of her pension.

65
00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:08,203
Why did you think of me?

66
00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:09,483
Your religion.

67
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:13,043
See, someone like me might
describe this as hideous,

68
00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:14,403
whereas someone like you...

69
00:03:14,443 --> 00:03:17,923
Might see that it could hold
upwards of 50 preaching pamphlets.

70
00:03:17,963 --> 00:03:19,923
And any surplus,
you could sell on,

71
00:03:19,963 --> 00:03:21,083
As a sort of side hustle.

72
00:03:21,123 --> 00:03:22,203
Like my own business?

73
00:03:22,243 --> 00:03:24,923
Exactly. The order says
women will be fulfilled

74
00:03:24,963 --> 00:03:26,203
by making the home their work.

75
00:03:26,243 --> 00:03:28,563
And have you
personally found that?

76
00:03:28,603 --> 00:03:31,523
No, but I've only been
doing it 17 years.

77
00:03:31,563 --> 00:03:33,483
You'd be helping me
out. Good Christian act.

78
00:03:33,523 --> 00:03:34,803
You are Christian, aren't you?

79
00:03:34,843 --> 00:03:37,563
Just checking I've got the right
pressure points. Want to hop in?

80
00:03:37,603 --> 00:03:42,443
Really? Of course. You're taking
the bags, yeah? Yes. Of course.

81
00:03:44,523 --> 00:03:45,723
VAPE HISSES

82
00:03:45,763 --> 00:03:47,643
So are your parents
proud of your grades?

83
00:03:47,683 --> 00:03:51,323
They told me that university
was a path to vice.

84
00:03:51,363 --> 00:03:54,803
It's a path to freedom,
knowledge and self-expression.

85
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They think those
things are vice.

86
00:03:56,923 --> 00:04:00,203
And you still want
to do medicine?

87
00:04:00,243 --> 00:04:03,323
Yes, but dad says a
six-year course is pointless

88
00:04:03,363 --> 00:04:07,043
because God will shatter
the Earth by 2025. Yeah.

89
00:04:07,083 --> 00:04:08,643
This is for work experience.

90
00:04:08,683 --> 00:04:10,323
You'll need it if you
want to stand out.

91
00:04:10,363 --> 00:04:13,083
Coldhurst retirement home.
Well, you can't become a doctor

92
00:04:13,123 --> 00:04:15,763
until a ward of pensioners have
mistaken you for their daughter.

93
00:04:15,803 --> 00:04:16,963
Plus, it'll be motivating.

94
00:04:17,003 --> 00:04:19,323
They'll tell you all about
their unfulfilled dreams.

95
00:04:19,363 --> 00:04:20,723
I just need your mobile number.

96
00:04:20,763 --> 00:04:22,683
I don't have a mobile.
Your home phone, then?

97
00:04:22,723 --> 00:04:24,443
Oh, I'd never get
there before Dad.

98
00:04:24,483 --> 00:04:26,203
He thinks we get
charged per ring.

99
00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:30,963
Rachel, I don't want to alarm you,
but this is a competitive field.

100
00:04:31,003 --> 00:04:34,163
Some of the girls you're up
against will have telephones.

101
00:04:36,483 --> 00:04:37,843
OK.

102
00:04:37,883 --> 00:04:40,763
I'll get a phone. Great.

103
00:04:40,803 --> 00:04:44,163
In six short years, you could get
your medical licence, sell out,

104
00:04:44,203 --> 00:04:45,923
and then become a
TikTok medfluencer

105
00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:48,683
making seven figures off the
ignorance of the vulnerable.

106
00:04:48,723 --> 00:04:50,203
Do not squander that.

107
00:04:52,643 --> 00:04:54,403
Sorry, Gideon, I'll
put it down gently.

108
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I know you don't
like loud noises.

109
00:04:57,723 --> 00:04:59,443
Not on this table, David!

110
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There was two centimetres
of clearance, Fiona.

111
00:05:01,443 --> 00:05:04,043
Any damage to that cat
is purely psychological.

112
00:05:04,083 --> 00:05:05,243
Family meeting!

113
00:05:07,443 --> 00:05:09,963
So I'm sure you're wondering
why I wasn't promoted.

114
00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:13,003
Well, the elders have
revealed the truth,

115
00:05:13,043 --> 00:05:15,403
and the reason... was you.

116
00:05:15,443 --> 00:05:17,323
That's what they said, was it?

117
00:05:17,363 --> 00:05:19,043
They said to remove
the log from your eye.

118
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And after much soul-searching, I
realised that log is my family.

119
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This is from the
archives to help us.

120
00:05:24,723 --> 00:05:26,723
Are those the
original order rules?

121
00:05:26,763 --> 00:05:28,483
Nobody follows them, David.

122
00:05:28,523 --> 00:05:30,243
They're weird and outmoded.

123
00:05:30,283 --> 00:05:31,723
There's a map of Israel in there

124
00:05:31,763 --> 00:05:33,483
I don't think any
side would agree with.

125
00:05:33,523 --> 00:05:36,963
God's rule is law. It says here
not to eat bison on the new moon.

126
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,923
And I'll give that up, Aaron.

127
00:05:38,963 --> 00:05:41,363
For God, we need to
confront our decadence.

128
00:05:41,403 --> 00:05:46,203
Dad, I was just wondering...
what's going on?

129
00:05:46,243 --> 00:05:48,243
Your father's just
subjugating the family.

130
00:05:48,283 --> 00:05:49,723
What was your question?

131
00:05:49,763 --> 00:05:52,843
So, most girls my age
have mobile phones,

132
00:05:52,883 --> 00:05:54,643
so I was just wondering

133
00:05:54,683 --> 00:05:57,723
if I needed to call while
I was out ministering.

134
00:05:57,763 --> 00:05:58,843
We minister as a family.

135
00:05:58,883 --> 00:06:02,243
You're usually inside and always
within screaming distance.

136
00:06:02,283 --> 00:06:04,483
But since you're keen
to minister solo,

137
00:06:04,523 --> 00:06:07,523
how about you preach two hours
each evening for the week?

138
00:06:08,883 --> 00:06:10,763
Was that just a suggestion?

139
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:12,083
It started as a suggestion.

140
00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:13,523
Then it was a good idea.

141
00:06:13,563 --> 00:06:17,083
And now it's a command,
an immutable command.

142
00:06:18,923 --> 00:06:21,283
Well, David, if you're done
disappointing your daughter,

143
00:06:21,323 --> 00:06:22,763
I'll get back to
my preaching bags.

144
00:06:22,803 --> 00:06:24,803
Melissa gave them to me.

145
00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,323
I'm selling them online.

146
00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,123
Selling them? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

147
00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:29,963
Put down that
merchandise. Put it down.

148
00:06:30,003 --> 00:06:32,123
The book says women can't
work in online retail?

149
00:06:32,163 --> 00:06:35,363
It says womenfolk have
no place in the agora,

150
00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:36,723
the eBay of the time.

151
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,603
You want to kill my ambition for
a rule you learnt two minutes ago?

152
00:06:39,643 --> 00:06:40,923
Of course I don't.

153
00:06:40,963 --> 00:06:41,963
OK.

154
00:06:42,003 --> 00:06:43,603
God does.

155
00:06:45,123 --> 00:06:48,363
Now, Aaron, my beady
eye turns to you.

156
00:06:48,403 --> 00:06:50,003
Drawn us in hell?

157
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,443
Don't hate the truth, Dad.

158
00:06:51,483 --> 00:06:54,883
The Romans hated it so much that
they nailed it to the cross.

159
00:06:54,923 --> 00:06:56,243
KNOCKING AT DOOR

160
00:06:57,643 --> 00:06:59,403
I'm coming back to fix you.

161
00:07:02,203 --> 00:07:05,523
Hi, David. Just stopping
by for a friendly visit.

162
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,683
Are you gonna remove
the chain, or...?

163
00:07:15,683 --> 00:07:16,883
How's being an elder?

164
00:07:16,923 --> 00:07:18,643
Lots of unpleasant
responsibilities?

165
00:07:18,683 --> 00:07:21,643
Well, the first duty's been deciding
which Biblical name to take.

166
00:07:21,683 --> 00:07:25,003
And the one I've gone for is -
you'll really like this, David -

167
00:07:25,043 --> 00:07:26,083
Elder...

168
00:07:26,123 --> 00:07:28,483
..Andrew.

169
00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:32,763
Make a point or leave, please.

170
00:07:32,803 --> 00:07:35,203
How are you getting on
with our good friend Joel?

171
00:07:35,243 --> 00:07:36,243
Oh, Joel.

172
00:07:36,283 --> 00:07:37,843
I'll make a start with him soon.

173
00:07:37,883 --> 00:07:39,483
Aren't you due to be
speaking to him now?

174
00:07:39,523 --> 00:07:41,603
It's just that he's been
sending me text messages.

175
00:07:41,643 --> 00:07:43,603
"Looking forward to the
meeting in 20 minutes."

176
00:07:43,643 --> 00:07:45,123
Then, "Should be here in ten."

177
00:07:45,163 --> 00:07:49,203
Then, "He's not here." Then,
"He's not coming, is he?"

178
00:07:49,243 --> 00:07:50,323
Oh, fine.

179
00:07:50,363 --> 00:07:52,083
I'll do it. Thanks, David.

180
00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:54,923
If you ever need anything... Oh!

181
00:07:54,963 --> 00:07:58,963
So the seeds that fell on the
fertile soil, they became...

182
00:07:59,003 --> 00:08:02,883
Do you ever mark people down
to never be visited again?

183
00:08:02,923 --> 00:08:08,083
We have a blacklist for
people who abuse or swear us.

184
00:08:08,123 --> 00:08:09,163
Right.

185
00:08:09,203 --> 00:08:10,203
Um...

186
00:08:10,243 --> 00:08:13,683
Fuck... Fuck... off?

187
00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:16,003
Am I on the blacklist now? Sure.

188
00:08:16,043 --> 00:08:18,243
Thanks. Thanks so much.

189
00:08:29,483 --> 00:08:31,283
I can't talk to you, you know.

190
00:08:34,123 --> 00:08:38,283
This is my first preaching
visit to this non-believer.

191
00:08:38,323 --> 00:08:41,403
Do you want to brief me on
any salient information?

192
00:08:41,443 --> 00:08:43,083
There is no salient information.

193
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,483
Non-believers are all the same,

194
00:08:44,523 --> 00:08:46,603
dead-eyed clones
blocking out the truth.

195
00:08:46,643 --> 00:08:47,923
How about his name?

196
00:08:47,963 --> 00:08:49,163
Clones, Aaron.

197
00:08:49,203 --> 00:08:50,723
They're clones.

198
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,963
Right. This is where I fix you.

199
00:08:53,003 --> 00:08:54,763
HE KNOCKS

200
00:08:54,803 --> 00:08:57,043
You're about to watch
a master at work.

201
00:08:57,083 --> 00:09:00,643
You'll see the Bible speak
through me as a divine envoy.

202
00:09:00,683 --> 00:09:02,963
Ah, David, you're
finally... Out of the way.

203
00:09:03,003 --> 00:09:04,643
We're here to save you.

204
00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:09,643
You don't mind my son being
here while I minister, do you?

205
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:13,443
Well, some of the stuff's
quite, um... intimate.

206
00:09:13,483 --> 00:09:16,523
Great. Let's start with that. If
you prefer, I can leave the room.

207
00:09:16,563 --> 00:09:19,723
No, Aaron, you have a right to hear
this man's depraved life story.

208
00:09:19,763 --> 00:09:22,083
I thought you said
no judgment. Please.

209
00:09:22,123 --> 00:09:24,563
I'm talking to my son.

210
00:09:24,603 --> 00:09:27,443
Now, I'm going to listen
in quiet humility, OK?

211
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:32,403
Well, my girlfriend
left me six weeks ago.

212
00:09:35,563 --> 00:09:36,603
Oh, wow.

213
00:09:36,643 --> 00:09:38,723
I love getting these. One sec.

214
00:09:42,723 --> 00:09:44,723
SHREDDER WHIRS

215
00:10:01,163 --> 00:10:04,363
Right, second day of your
journey to salvation.

216
00:10:04,403 --> 00:10:07,403
So it's really just
you doing these visits?

217
00:10:07,443 --> 00:10:10,363
Because Andrew seems so nice.

218
00:10:10,403 --> 00:10:13,003
Do you only have two
types of biscuits?

219
00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:14,083
Yep.

220
00:10:14,123 --> 00:10:16,723
So you ignored
yesterday's feedback. OK.

221
00:10:21,843 --> 00:10:25,163
So what's it like being
a kid in the order world?

222
00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:27,083
Worldly kids at
school make fun of me,

223
00:10:27,123 --> 00:10:29,763
but in the afterlife, I'll
get to watch them burn

224
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,523
through my own special window.

225
00:10:31,563 --> 00:10:34,323
Your window? It'll be my
personal paradise, Joel.

226
00:10:34,363 --> 00:10:36,003
There will be a window.

227
00:10:37,763 --> 00:10:39,723
Oh, please, use a coaster.

228
00:10:39,763 --> 00:10:43,083
It's an original
Noguchi coffee table.

229
00:10:43,123 --> 00:10:44,723
My ex bought it for me.

230
00:10:44,763 --> 00:10:47,403
Joel, we're guests
in your house.

231
00:10:47,443 --> 00:10:49,443
Of course I'll
respect the rules.

232
00:10:54,643 --> 00:10:57,683
So, let's talk about your
relationship's most painful moments.

233
00:10:57,723 --> 00:11:00,323
Just four or five examples. Go.

234
00:11:14,923 --> 00:11:16,043
I can't have coffee.

235
00:11:17,523 --> 00:11:18,523
No stimulants.

236
00:11:19,963 --> 00:11:20,963
It's decaf.

237
00:11:22,003 --> 00:11:23,003
Oh.

238
00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:24,043
DOG WHINES

239
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:27,403
I'm good at remembering weird rules
that were screamed at me aged nine.

240
00:11:27,443 --> 00:11:29,363
Once, I accidentally
ate some tiramisu.

241
00:11:29,403 --> 00:11:31,083
My dad said I had
to throw it up.

242
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:34,723
Did you? Did I make myself sick
just because someone told me to?

243
00:11:34,763 --> 00:11:38,563
Yes. I thought you said you
weren't allowed to talk to me.

244
00:11:38,603 --> 00:11:40,003
Well, I'm not talking to you,

245
00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:42,883
just thanking a stranger
for coffee. Nice.

246
00:11:42,923 --> 00:11:43,923
DOG BARKS

247
00:11:43,963 --> 00:11:47,483
No, no! Keeps trying to run
off. His name's Ricky Hatton,

248
00:11:47,523 --> 00:11:49,403
so calling out for
him's a bit weird.

249
00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:52,003
Can you not just call him Ricky?

250
00:11:52,043 --> 00:11:53,443
He only responds
to the full name.

251
00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:57,003
Why are you doing so
much door to door?

252
00:11:57,043 --> 00:11:58,763
I asked my dad for
a phone and instead,

253
00:11:58,803 --> 00:12:01,043
he took away all my
evenings for a week.

254
00:12:01,083 --> 00:12:02,723
What do you need a phone for?

255
00:12:02,763 --> 00:12:06,963
Work experience, which I need
if I want to go to uni and...

256
00:12:07,003 --> 00:12:09,283
..be a doctor. ..Get
away from the order.

257
00:12:10,323 --> 00:12:11,803
Well, enjoy the decaf.

258
00:12:11,843 --> 00:12:13,563
Real coffee's great,

259
00:12:13,603 --> 00:12:17,163
but I guess that's the
price of living in fear.

260
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,243
I don't live in fear.

261
00:12:20,603 --> 00:12:22,003
Oh, shit.

262
00:12:23,203 --> 00:12:25,323
Oh, I think this is the decaf.

263
00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:29,643
Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh,
my gosh, oh, my gosh.

264
00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,843
They were both decaf, Rachel.

265
00:12:36,603 --> 00:12:37,923
Ugh!

266
00:12:38,523 --> 00:12:40,403
See you tomorrow.

267
00:12:48,763 --> 00:12:53,923
So Aaron, it's been three visits now
and I haven't felt much community.

268
00:12:53,963 --> 00:12:56,803
Do you feel you have
a community? Sure.

269
00:12:56,843 --> 00:12:59,803
I mean, I haven't got any
friends, but I draw lots.

270
00:12:59,843 --> 00:13:00,843
Look.

271
00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:04,883
David, where did
you find that cup?

272
00:13:04,923 --> 00:13:07,723
Oh, from some chintzy
armoire in your hallway.

273
00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:10,083
My antique cabinet - that's
not meant to be drunk out of.

274
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,883
Any liquid hotter than 40
degrees would strip the patina.

275
00:13:12,923 --> 00:13:14,323
Ooh, that's hot.

276
00:13:14,363 --> 00:13:16,923
I guess I can forget about
tasting these custard creams.

277
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:20,083
OK, maybe we should
end these sessions.

278
00:13:20,123 --> 00:13:22,163
You seem socially maladjusted,

279
00:13:22,203 --> 00:13:25,843
and I think your son has anger
problems. My son idolises me.

280
00:13:25,883 --> 00:13:28,723
David, he's drawing
you in an acid bath.

281
00:13:33,323 --> 00:13:36,083
Joel, if you've got an issue
with me, say it to my face.

282
00:13:36,123 --> 00:13:37,803
I have an issue with you.

283
00:13:37,843 --> 00:13:39,923
I'm saying it. Well,
here's another issue.

284
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:42,323
I'm putting this down
without a coaster.

285
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,323
Clearly, I only meant
to leave a ring.

286
00:13:51,323 --> 00:13:54,163
CAMERA CLICKS

287
00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:01,803
Fiona, I've noticed that
you and your husband

288
00:14:01,843 --> 00:14:04,003
sleep in two
separate single beds.

289
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:06,403
David likes to push them
together on special occasions,

290
00:14:06,443 --> 00:14:08,523
but the table makes
that difficult.

291
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:10,163
So why'd you put the
table there, then?

292
00:14:10,203 --> 00:14:11,203
I just told you.

293
00:14:11,243 --> 00:14:12,323
DOOR OPENS DOWNSTAIRS

294
00:14:12,363 --> 00:14:14,883
David's back. Maybe we should
pause while I talk to him.

295
00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:18,123
Fiona, if I paused with my ex,
I wouldn't have a new kitchen.

296
00:14:18,163 --> 00:14:22,443
Fight back. Get the marble
countertops and the chrome taps.

297
00:14:22,483 --> 00:14:23,483
Darling?

298
00:14:23,523 --> 00:14:25,723
What the...?

299
00:14:25,763 --> 00:14:29,803
Melissa, why is there a
stranger in my personal kingdom?

300
00:14:29,843 --> 00:14:33,603
We're taking business
photos for the website.

301
00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:36,123
Fiona, this book is
clear on what is seemly

302
00:14:36,163 --> 00:14:37,443
and what is unseemly.

303
00:14:37,483 --> 00:14:40,123
Hmm, thousand-year-old book
versus two living women.

304
00:14:40,163 --> 00:14:42,083
This'll be good.
As the patriarch,

305
00:14:42,123 --> 00:14:43,763
God caused me to
lead this household.

306
00:14:43,803 --> 00:14:46,283
Don't make me use
that divine power.

307
00:14:46,323 --> 00:14:47,923
Use it. Go on, then.

308
00:14:50,163 --> 00:14:51,163
OK.

309
00:14:52,763 --> 00:14:55,363
Fiona, as God's patriarch... I
want to do the business, David.

310
00:14:55,403 --> 00:14:56,923
Then you have my permission.

311
00:14:56,963 --> 00:14:58,523
Well done, big man.

312
00:14:58,563 --> 00:14:59,563
Now, get out.

313
00:15:00,803 --> 00:15:03,123
Can I come in to
change my shirt?

314
00:15:04,763 --> 00:15:06,403
No. You can come
back in the room

315
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:10,603
when I'm done making money
and I'm a money magnet, David!

316
00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:11,883
Money magnet!

317
00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:16,523
Was that good? A
little too good.

318
00:15:16,563 --> 00:15:17,683
But I'm here for it.

319
00:15:21,803 --> 00:15:22,963
KNOCKING AT DOOR

320
00:15:25,083 --> 00:15:27,323
Ugh. Is it urgent, Andrew?

321
00:15:27,363 --> 00:15:29,803
I've just emancipated my wife
and I'm feeling pretty low.

322
00:15:29,843 --> 00:15:31,283
Just returned from Joel's house.

323
00:15:31,323 --> 00:15:33,643
Apparently, you attacked an
expensive collector's item

324
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,603
with another expensive
collector's item.

325
00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,683
It was a lesson, to teach him the
real value of worldly possessions.

326
00:15:38,723 --> 00:15:40,683
Well, the real value
was five grand.

327
00:15:40,723 --> 00:15:43,043
He'd like you to
reimburse him. What?

328
00:15:43,083 --> 00:15:46,123
It was an accident. I only meant
to cause superficial damage.

329
00:15:46,163 --> 00:15:49,163
Fortunately, I've convinced
him to forgive you.

330
00:15:49,203 --> 00:15:52,483
I've also persuaded Elder Samson not
to revoke any of your privileges,

331
00:15:52,523 --> 00:15:54,323
even though this
is, to his memory,

332
00:15:54,363 --> 00:15:57,883
the most disgraceful thing
any ordinand has ever done.

333
00:16:00,403 --> 00:16:01,403
Thank you.

334
00:16:01,443 --> 00:16:03,923
Given the situation, I'll be
looking after Joel from now on.

335
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,483
Sorry, David. Obviously,
Andrew is your buddy,

336
00:16:07,523 --> 00:16:08,843
but Elder Andrew...

337
00:16:10,923 --> 00:16:13,083
..he must walk a different path.

338
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:27,683
Well, Andrew might not see the
benefits of my ministering style,

339
00:16:27,723 --> 00:16:29,603
but Aaron clearly does.

340
00:16:29,643 --> 00:16:31,843
Look at this drip technique.

341
00:16:31,883 --> 00:16:33,603
He's moved on to abstract art.

342
00:16:33,643 --> 00:16:35,643
No more violent images of...

343
00:16:37,923 --> 00:16:39,203
Hmm.

344
00:16:40,683 --> 00:16:42,283
He probably started
that weeks ago.

345
00:16:42,323 --> 00:16:45,283
He started as soon as he
came back from Joel's. Right.

346
00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:55,083
I'm done. A whole week of night
preaching. 80 doors, 100 pamphlets.

347
00:16:55,123 --> 00:16:57,643
Nearly lost my finger to
a razor-sharp letterbox.

348
00:16:57,683 --> 00:17:00,523
Number 38. I know it
well. But I'm done.

349
00:17:02,963 --> 00:17:05,363
Rachel, I've been reflecting.

350
00:17:05,403 --> 00:17:07,963
I think it's only right to
reward your labour after all.

351
00:17:08,003 --> 00:17:10,083
You mean... Dad, really?

352
00:17:10,123 --> 00:17:12,483
This has seen history.

353
00:17:13,883 --> 00:17:15,563
You couldn't get me a new one?

354
00:17:15,603 --> 00:17:18,883
They don't build them like
this any more, Rachel.

355
00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:22,523
POWERING-UP TONE

356
00:17:22,563 --> 00:17:24,043
Look at that battery life.

357
00:17:24,083 --> 00:17:27,043
10%, and it hasn't been
plugged in since 9/11.

358
00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:28,243
Look alive.

359
00:17:28,283 --> 00:17:29,643
Try the home phone.

360
00:17:32,003 --> 00:17:33,003
Is it ringing?

361
00:17:33,043 --> 00:17:35,083
It's getting really warm.

362
00:17:35,123 --> 00:17:39,323
Great. Respect the awesome
power it grants you.

363
00:17:39,363 --> 00:17:41,083
PHONE HINGES CREAK

364
00:17:43,643 --> 00:17:44,843
OUTSIDE: Ricky Hatton!

365
00:17:46,283 --> 00:17:47,283
Ricky!

366
00:17:49,523 --> 00:17:50,683
Mr Hatton?

367
00:17:52,523 --> 00:17:54,243
DOG BARKS

368
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:56,443
Ricky Hatton!

369
00:17:57,803 --> 00:18:01,563
You found him, then?
Yeah. Peace offering.

370
00:18:01,603 --> 00:18:04,163
Peppermint, for the sake
of both of our souls.

371
00:18:04,203 --> 00:18:07,323
But drink quickly. The mug's
absence will be noticed.

372
00:18:07,363 --> 00:18:09,883
Mmm, can't wait to chug
this scalding liquid.

373
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:11,083
PHONE BEEPS

374
00:18:12,603 --> 00:18:14,163
Oh, you got a phone? Yeah.

375
00:18:14,203 --> 00:18:18,963
It leaks battery acid and can't
text or call. Just as well.

376
00:18:19,003 --> 00:18:21,483
Which means I can give
you my peace offering.

377
00:18:22,963 --> 00:18:24,683
Good as new.

378
00:18:24,723 --> 00:18:25,723
Oh, my gosh.

379
00:18:25,763 --> 00:18:27,603
It's just my old handset.

380
00:18:27,643 --> 00:18:29,403
Thank you.

381
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:31,963
Thank you.

382
00:18:39,123 --> 00:18:40,603
I guess if I needed
to message you,

383
00:18:40,643 --> 00:18:45,123
for help with the phone, I
mean, your number's on here?

384
00:18:45,163 --> 00:18:46,163
No.

385
00:18:49,443 --> 00:18:53,283
You can't bring yourself to
ask me, can you? Put it on.

386
00:18:55,003 --> 00:18:59,203
HORSE RACING
COMMENTARY ON EARPHONES

387
00:18:59,243 --> 00:19:03,483
Miss? You asked to
see me in your office.

388
00:19:03,523 --> 00:19:07,083
I did say that, and it
made me feel very powerful.

389
00:19:07,123 --> 00:19:08,603
Rachel, congratulations.

390
00:19:08,643 --> 00:19:10,523
You're officially
an unpaid volunteer.

391
00:19:10,563 --> 00:19:13,523
You start ladling medically
thickened gravy on Monday.

392
00:19:13,563 --> 00:19:16,643
They picked me? From a
field of zero applicants.

393
00:19:16,683 --> 00:19:20,163
They picked me! What a great day,
my favourite people succeeding,

394
00:19:20,203 --> 00:19:23,403
and a crazy man smashed
my ex's coffee table.

395
00:19:24,723 --> 00:19:25,843
He's crushed, Rachel.

396
00:19:25,883 --> 00:19:28,603
And his libido was
already so fragile.

397
00:19:30,843 --> 00:19:32,523
How's my phone, Rachel?

398
00:19:32,563 --> 00:19:35,003
So many memories -
hours texting my dad

399
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,563
about how the Old Testament
predicted the credit crunch.

400
00:19:38,603 --> 00:19:41,523
Yeah, it's been... great, Dad.

401
00:19:47,843 --> 00:19:50,443
Now, Fiona, I know I gave my
permission for your business,

402
00:19:50,483 --> 00:19:53,043
but not everyone's so
liberal about bags, OK?

403
00:19:53,083 --> 00:19:55,523
I wouldn't mention it
to the congregation.

404
00:19:55,563 --> 00:19:57,123
Thank you for the advice, David.

405
00:20:05,523 --> 00:20:07,083
GENIAL CHATTER

406
00:20:11,203 --> 00:20:15,003
Sister Lewis, you've given our
chapter its own de facto uniform.

407
00:20:15,043 --> 00:20:16,323
Now we can all band together,

408
00:20:16,363 --> 00:20:19,483
I'm sure there'll be fewer
harassment incidents.

409
00:20:19,523 --> 00:20:22,523
Or more, since we're
easier to spot.

410
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:25,243
But, hey, if women could be
elders, you'd be a shoo-in.

411
00:20:25,283 --> 00:20:28,283
And honestly, I could see that
rule changing one day. I can't.

412
00:20:28,323 --> 00:20:32,443
But thank you for donating
the proceeds. Thank you.

413
00:20:32,483 --> 00:20:35,363
If you'll excuse me, I
might go speak with my...

414
00:20:35,403 --> 00:20:37,523
Is it prideful to say fans?

415
00:20:37,563 --> 00:20:38,563
My fans.

416
00:20:43,003 --> 00:20:45,963
INAUDIBLE CHAT

417
00:20:58,083 --> 00:21:01,083
David. You'll see
I'm on the gold cola.

418
00:21:01,123 --> 00:21:02,723
No caffeine.

419
00:21:02,763 --> 00:21:06,483
It tastes... Well, really
quite different, actually.

420
00:21:06,523 --> 00:21:09,123
Thankfully, Samson's been pretty
chill about the whole thing.

421
00:21:09,163 --> 00:21:11,843
Abijah, you're on probation.
Pop your scarf back on.

422
00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:13,603
Squash, strong.

423
00:21:15,003 --> 00:21:16,443
I've realised something.

424
00:21:16,483 --> 00:21:18,203
When you told me to look within,

425
00:21:18,243 --> 00:21:22,203
you weren't just talking about
my family's mistakes, were you?

426
00:21:22,243 --> 00:21:24,083
You were talking
about my own. Yes.

427
00:21:24,123 --> 00:21:26,643
We were talking exclusively
about you, David.

428
00:21:26,683 --> 00:21:29,563
Your pride, your tendency
to blame external factors

429
00:21:29,603 --> 00:21:31,003
instead of yourself. Hmm.

430
00:21:32,403 --> 00:21:34,883
I'd like to return
this to the archives.

431
00:21:34,923 --> 00:21:36,803
Is that a first edition
of our oldest maxims?

432
00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:39,723
They're horrendously outdated,
them. I thought we burnt them all.

433
00:21:39,763 --> 00:21:43,603
"Love thy neighbour" has an asterisk
leading to a big list of exceptions.

434
00:21:43,643 --> 00:21:45,843
Shred it, Abijah.
Pulp the remains.

435
00:21:49,243 --> 00:21:50,843
PHONE BUZZES

436
00:21:51,843 --> 00:21:53,683
VOICE NOTE FROM JOSHUA:
Wow, your first text.

437
00:21:53,723 --> 00:21:56,243
Welcome to the information age.

438
00:21:56,283 --> 00:21:58,603
Don't mind me, Rachel.

439
00:21:58,643 --> 00:22:02,963
Just destroying this book
of forbidden knowledge.

440
00:22:03,003 --> 00:22:05,243
MESSAGE PLAYS AGAIN:
Wow, your first text.

441
00:22:05,283 --> 00:22:06,963
Welcome to the information age.

442
00:22:07,003 --> 00:22:09,843
Just a pilgrim on a journey

443
00:22:09,883 --> 00:22:13,043
Well, I got no
time to tarry here

444
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:14,683
Don't you stop me

445
00:22:14,723 --> 00:22:18,803
Cos I'm going to a land
where skies are clear

446
00:22:18,843 --> 00:22:20,363
And I ain't got time

447
00:22:21,803 --> 00:22:25,083
To linger longer

448
00:22:25,123 --> 00:22:27,243
I ain't got time

449
00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:29,763
To stop today.

450
00:22:29,803 --> 00:22:31,963
Subtitles by Red Bee Media